I know the title sounds a bit absurd – after all – longevity in any marriage is precious - couple that with step-parenting a teen with autism and to some, this might be something of a phenomenon. I just don’t believe it should be that way. I am hurt by the number of times my husband is told he is a saint for staying with me - a special needs mom, and for being a step-dad to my son who is a teen with autism. I think it's important to mention that my husband stays because he is drawn to us by love, not charity.
A vow in marriage is a promise to stay together in sickness and in health, through times of happiness and times of great challenge. A vow is a sacred oath, not a habit you can change for convenience. That being mentioned, please know that I am in no way suggesting that anyone should stay in a marriage involving domestic violence, adulterous or any situation that is unhealthy or dangerous.
This is my second marriage, so I’m aware of what it’s like to break free of unhealthy circumstances. My divorcing Richie's father had nothing to do with him having autism and everything to do with the fact that we just weren't right for each other. We are both remarried and thank God we are in healthy relationships. For now, I’m writing strictly about my current home situation.
This is my second marriage, so I’m aware of what it’s like to break free of unhealthy circumstances. My divorcing Richie's father had nothing to do with him having autism and everything to do with the fact that we just weren't right for each other. We are both remarried and thank God we are in healthy relationships. For now, I’m writing strictly about my current home situation.
Please let me be clear that I think couples who genuinely try to keep their relationships together, men and women alike, should be acknowledged for their devotion to their families. However, I struggle with anyone who is being praised for doing something they should be doing regardless of how challenging things may seem. I understand it's natural for many to compare people who honor their vows and commitment to their family with those who leave because they can’t deal with the many challenges that come with raising a special needs child.
I understand there are many people for which nurturing or caring for others doesn’t come natural to them. They may not have the patience and understanding that is needed for raising special needs children. If they know themselves well enough to admit that they will not commit to loving and caring for special needs children, then it’s right for them not to be involved. They could possibly cause more pain than good to the family. But why would anyone who does have what it takes to nurture and care for someone with special needs want to be measured up against those who don’t?
I understand there are many people for which nurturing or caring for others doesn’t come natural to them. They may not have the patience and understanding that is needed for raising special needs children. If they know themselves well enough to admit that they will not commit to loving and caring for special needs children, then it’s right for them not to be involved. They could possibly cause more pain than good to the family. But why would anyone who does have what it takes to nurture and care for someone with special needs want to be measured up against those who don’t?
I know many have told my husband, “I don’t know how you do it, man. I couldn’t do it.” These words are stated by men whom I know are great dads to their own children. They’re good family men, but they don’t realize their words are hurtful and non-supportive. If their child were to have a disability, I know they would not abandon them. They would love and support them, making the very words they tell my husband untrue.
I understand that when we see situations that seem extraordinary and unique to us, we might feel compelled to say something like, “I could never do what you do,” or “How are you still there?” in an effort to offer words of comfort, but are they really words of comfort? It’s a direct insult to the child and biological parent (whether it’s the mother or father).
In my case, it’s me. It makes me feel as though Richie and I aren’t worth it. We don’t measure up to the neuro-typical situation – for which one might say, “Try your best to stick it out, it’s the right thing to do.” Instead, someone might even give my husband the “green light” to leave. After all, this is just too much for anybody. Well, that’s absolute nonsense. Richie is so worth it. We are not just the package deal, we are the daily special.
I understand that when we see situations that seem extraordinary and unique to us, we might feel compelled to say something like, “I could never do what you do,” or “How are you still there?” in an effort to offer words of comfort, but are they really words of comfort? It’s a direct insult to the child and biological parent (whether it’s the mother or father).
In my case, it’s me. It makes me feel as though Richie and I aren’t worth it. We don’t measure up to the neuro-typical situation – for which one might say, “Try your best to stick it out, it’s the right thing to do.” Instead, someone might even give my husband the “green light” to leave. After all, this is just too much for anybody. Well, that’s absolute nonsense. Richie is so worth it. We are not just the package deal, we are the daily special.
Today’s world is riddled with unhealthy and toxic relationships and it has nothing to do with having children with special needs. Yes, it’s true that when raising children with special needs there are elements of hardship unknown to families without children with special needs.
However, most of us already know that relationships and marriage is anything but easy. I know couples in marriages who put on quite a good show in public but can barely say two kind words to each other, some, sadly, include a history of violence. I know couples in marriages who have no shame in disrespecting one another in public. I have been in situations where it seems it's a race between spouses on who can make friends and family feel uncomfortable the quickest.
I know couples in marriages who have forgotten how to be affectionate with one another. They live more as roommates than they do as loving spouses. Sadly, I know couples in marriages who have affairs routinely. For these couples, it's a matter of who can cause one another the most pain. Children living in these unfortunate situations suffer through these circumstances whether they have special needs or not.
Please note that this is not to say that families without special needs children don't have loving relationships and healthy marriages. Of course, they do. I know many couples in healthy and loving marriages who don’t have special needs children. My point is, there is no greener grass on any side, there is no such thing as an “easy marriage.” As a married couple, you do the work, try your very best and you love your family unconditionally.
However, most of us already know that relationships and marriage is anything but easy. I know couples in marriages who put on quite a good show in public but can barely say two kind words to each other, some, sadly, include a history of violence. I know couples in marriages who have no shame in disrespecting one another in public. I have been in situations where it seems it's a race between spouses on who can make friends and family feel uncomfortable the quickest.
I know couples in marriages who have forgotten how to be affectionate with one another. They live more as roommates than they do as loving spouses. Sadly, I know couples in marriages who have affairs routinely. For these couples, it's a matter of who can cause one another the most pain. Children living in these unfortunate situations suffer through these circumstances whether they have special needs or not.
Please note that this is not to say that families without special needs children don't have loving relationships and healthy marriages. Of course, they do. I know many couples in healthy and loving marriages who don’t have special needs children. My point is, there is no greener grass on any side, there is no such thing as an “easy marriage.” As a married couple, you do the work, try your very best and you love your family unconditionally.
Kirk and I have a marriage filled with moments of love, anger, laughter, disagreements, affection, frustration, long and short silences, kindness, mean come-backs, respect, and friendship. We’ve had some pretty scary arguments too. Some of them caused tears, some caused the need for a moment away for getting air, some even caused us to question ourselves. But we come together with an understanding that we’re in it for the long haul. Our blended family is a blessing from God that comes with moments of joy and hardship that we can either handle or do our best to handle. We lean in and we don’t give up.
As people we should always try do the right thing. Every day we need to genuinely try to do the right thing. I believe every one of us has a purpose. Sometimes we learn our life purpose early and sometimes it takes a lifetime for some of us to discover our purpose. Children and adults like Richie are far more special than just their needs. In addition to discovering their life purpose, they serve as constant reminders for all of us to be kind to one another. They teach us to take care of those who cannot take care of or defend themselves.
My husband Kirk is a good man for many reasons. But sticking it out with me and my son Richie is not one of them. He is good because he’s sweet, charming, gallant, thoughtful and gentle. Kirk doesn’t view being with us as “the decent thing to do.” Kirk loves us and he’s told me he feels lucky to have Richie in his life.
Have you ever felt that friends and family think your spouse or life partner being with you is an unbelievable thing? Please share your thoughts with us!
Have you ever felt that friends and family think your spouse or life partner being with you is an unbelievable thing? Please share your thoughts with us!
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