When most of us begin teaching our children about identifying their bodies, it usually sounds a little something like this:
“Touch your nose. Touch your arm. Touch your eye. Touch your cheek,” and so on.
Many parents don’t ever mention the penis, vagina, bottom, or breast - yet, they too, are parts of our anatomy. It’s important to teach our children as best as we can about identifying body parts and their changing bodies, as well as the difference between safe and appropriate touches from inappropriate and dangerous situations.
“Touch your nose. Touch your arm. Touch your eye. Touch your cheek,” and so on.
Many parents don’t ever mention the penis, vagina, bottom, or breast - yet, they too, are parts of our anatomy. It’s important to teach our children as best as we can about identifying body parts and their changing bodies, as well as the difference between safe and appropriate touches from inappropriate and dangerous situations.
What is Self-Preservation in Sexuality?
Self-preservation on its own is the ability to protect oneself from harm or dangerous situations. Self-preservation in sexuality is the ability to tell the difference between an appropriate touch from an inappropriate touch and potentially dangerous situation. We teach our kids about not touching hot surfaces, how to cross the street, not to run with scissors, but many of us don’t talk to our children about protecting themselves from the possibility of sexual abuse. Perhaps it’s not discussed because of cultural or religious beliefs. Perhaps it’s because of the way some parents were raised. Maybe it’s just because it makes some parents feel uncomfortable, or maybe parents just never think it could happen to their child.
When do I talk to my child about the difference between safe and dangerous situations?
Some parents begin to review self-preservation and sexuality topics with their children as early as three years old. Other parents begin as soon as their child begins talking. Many parents teach their child that no one should be touching their private parts, and that they should tell someone if and when it happens. Sadly, children with disabilities almost never receive this lesson, even though they are among the most vulnerable of all children. I understand it’s challenging, especially with kids like my son who has difficulty with communication. So, when should we begin teaching our children with disabilities about these things? The simple answer is: as soon as possible. If you’re reading to your child, if you’re teaching your child about identifying objects, matching pictures, or using the PECS (Picture Exchange Communication System), then the time is most certainly appropriate. There may not be an accurate way to measure with absolute certainty how much information our children learn, but we should never underestimate their ability to learn.
What are statistics saying
- In the US 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before the age of 18.
- Studies show that children with intellectual disabilities are four times more likely to be victims of sexual abuse than children without disabilities.
What resources are available?
When I learned that self-preservation wasn’t being taught at my son’s school, I began to research the resources available to help me talk about it with my son. There were very few resources available, but I found a great photo sequence on the website Visual Aids for Learning (update, sadly the site is down. I truly hope it's temporary). It was a fantastic site that has a marvelous collection of picture sequences. All resources are free and I visited and used their resources often. There are many picture sequences for both boys and girls that are specifically used for teaching your child about sexuality and self-preservation. As soon as you can, have the following discussion with your child:
- Teaching about Body parts – and I mean all of them! Sexual abuse typically begins with touching a child or asking them to touch someone else.
- Sexual Urges – explain to your son or daughter that they may experience new sensations that are perfectly normal and part of growing up.
- Appropriate and Inappropriate Touching – talk to your child about boundaries and personal space (theirs and of others).
- Teach your child that body secrets are not okay – most predators will try to keep children from talking to others by rewarding them for keeping the abuse a secret.
- Try to explain that no one should be taking pictures of their private parts.
Temple Grandin once stated that when puberty started for her, she experienced horrible anxiety attacks and felt as if she was in a “constant state of stage fright.” Imagine seeing all these weird changes in your body take place, or feeling all these different sensations and not being able to ask anyone what is happening to you.
Our kids with disabilities go through the same hormonal and bodily changes as their peers. The difference for many kids with intellectual disabilities and communication issues is they may not have enough understanding or the ability to ask about these bodily changes to ask friends or family members they trust. Nor will they be ill advised by their misinformed peers!
Our kids with disabilities go through the same hormonal and bodily changes as their peers. The difference for many kids with intellectual disabilities and communication issues is they may not have enough understanding or the ability to ask about these bodily changes to ask friends or family members they trust. Nor will they be ill advised by their misinformed peers!
I really don’t think my child knows what sex is yet.
Most kids don’t know what sex is until they start exploring their bodies, things online, start talking about these topics with their friends, or curiosity leads them passed the Disney channel and onto programs they know they shouldn’t be watching. Today’s media is sexually charged with explicit content so it wouldn’t be difficult for our kids to stumble upon a sex scene on television or YouTube.
When it comes to kids with disabilities that are going through puberty, it is mostly instinctual.
Since we don’t truly know about what our teen daughters and sons are thinking about, we must believe that they are feeling the same sensations, confusion, and curiosities that teenagers without disabilities experience and feel. We can’t afford to make a false assumption just because our kids can’t communicate their thoughts and feelings effectively with us and others.
When it comes to kids with disabilities that are going through puberty, it is mostly instinctual.
Since we don’t truly know about what our teen daughters and sons are thinking about, we must believe that they are feeling the same sensations, confusion, and curiosities that teenagers without disabilities experience and feel. We can’t afford to make a false assumption just because our kids can’t communicate their thoughts and feelings effectively with us and others.
My personal feeling is that since my son can’t communicate his thoughts or fears, I want those issues tackled immediately. I don’t want my son experiencing more anxiety, confusion, or thoughts of feeling weird or awkward because he’s experienced an erection and doesn’t know why. I don’t want him feeling embarrassed or different because no one around him seems to think this is a “thing” that needs to be discussed. I know this isn't an easy topic discussion to have with your kids (disability or not). I hated having to discuss it with mine, but it was necessary. If speaking with your son or daughter about their changing bodies and self-preservation is truly uncomfortable for you, maybe you might consider asking someone you know well and trust to use the pictures I shared to help your child learn about these topics.
Please try not to assume that your child doesn't have an interest in his or her sexuality, or that sexual experiences are less likely to happen to your child because of their disability. It is so important for us as parents to teach our children about their changing bodies, protecting themselves from potential harm, and more importantly – how to have healthy relationships with others.
Please try not to assume that your child doesn't have an interest in his or her sexuality, or that sexual experiences are less likely to happen to your child because of their disability. It is so important for us as parents to teach our children about their changing bodies, protecting themselves from potential harm, and more importantly – how to have healthy relationships with others.
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