So many people are unaware of the fact that there is such a thing called “Disability Etiquette.” If you’ve never known anyone with a disability, it could be difficult to know how to behave when you’re around someone with a disability. Sometimes, comments meant to be innocent and with good intentions can potentially offend individuals with disabilities. It’s essential for us to use disability etiquette if we believe in creating an inclusive society.
What is Disability Etiquette?
Disability Etiquette is the way we behave when we’re in the presence of individuals with disabilities. Having disability etiquette means we are sensitive to and aware of the feelings of individuals with disabilities. It means we will be conscious of the things we say and do to make individuals with disabilities feel comfortable in our presence, and included in the community, in the workplace, or anywhere at any time in general. It shouldn’t matter if you know the person or not. Having disability etiquette means you care about all people and that individuals with disabilities are not exempt from receiving your kindness, courtesy and respect.
Staring at someone isn’t flattering.
I don’t have a disability, but my son does. My son Richie is fifteen, he is very handsome and has autism. At first glance, you won’t realize he has a disability. But if you watch him even for just a few minutes, it will quickly become obvious that he has some issues. Richie engages in self-stimulatory behaviors, such as hand flapping, looking at things side-ways, humming, moaning and making repetitive sounds, rocking back and forth, waving things in front of his eyes, pacing across the room, etc. Although these behaviors are pretty common in kids and adults with autism, they will still be unusual or weird to the person whose life has never been touched by a person with a disability. You would think that after thirteen years of having Richie with all his quirks and obvious differences, that I would be able to ignore the stares (some of them have hints of disgust) from unknowing strangers and family members. However, there are times it still gets to me and after all these years, I still sometimes end up in tears. I know it’s a natural thing to stare at something that is unusual and different to us, but it’s rude and hurtful. Instead, strike up a conversation and make a friend.
Don’t pretend they don’t exist.
While some people will blatantly stare at someone who looks different to them, others will go to the far opposite extreme and behave as though the individual doesn’t exist. I truly don’t know which is worse. They are equally horrible. When I notice a woman wearing a pretty dress or rocking some hot pair of shoes, I compliment her whether we’re friends or strangers. It is the same if she were using a wheelchair or she happened to have an obvious disability. Whether the person responds to me or not doesn’t matter. I treat all people the same all the time. We all should.
Speak to individuals with disabilities as you would anyone.
One of the most common mistakes people make when speaking to an adult with a disability is speaking to them in a child-like voice. These are men and women, folks. The fact that they use a wheelchair, have a physical disability or that they are mentally challenged does not make them children. This is offensive and insulting to the individual.
I have also been in the presence of people shouting at individuals with disabilities, as if to make their words clearer or more understood.
Always make eye-contact with the intended person and not their translator or caregiver. Leave the translating to the individual, your discussion is with the intended person. A person’s disability shouldn’t impact your personal connection with them.
I’ve heard people say they have a hard time with knowing what to say to a person with a disability. Talk about anything you would ordinarily talk about with your friends or anyone you meet for the first time. Individuals with disabilities are no different from the rest of us. There are times I’m not sure what to talk about with people I just met (disability or not), and for the sake of socializing and the prospect of making new friends, I love talking about movies, television shows, sports, books, or travel. These are universal topics that can open the door to great conversations with anyone.
I have also been in the presence of people shouting at individuals with disabilities, as if to make their words clearer or more understood.
Always make eye-contact with the intended person and not their translator or caregiver. Leave the translating to the individual, your discussion is with the intended person. A person’s disability shouldn’t impact your personal connection with them.
I’ve heard people say they have a hard time with knowing what to say to a person with a disability. Talk about anything you would ordinarily talk about with your friends or anyone you meet for the first time. Individuals with disabilities are no different from the rest of us. There are times I’m not sure what to talk about with people I just met (disability or not), and for the sake of socializing and the prospect of making new friends, I love talking about movies, television shows, sports, books, or travel. These are universal topics that can open the door to great conversations with anyone.
Use Person First Language
Person first language is putting the individual before their disability. No one wants to be defined by their disability. You wouldn’t want to be addressed as being Cancerous, a Down Syndrome person, or the wheelchair girl. The correct way to state it would be, “She is a person with Cancer. He has Down Syndrome, and the girl using the wheelchair." There is so much more to a person than just their disability. Personally, I prefer to use Person-First language. I remember when Richie was little, I foolishly introduced him to people as my non-verbal son with autism. That was my opening for a boy who is funny, handsome, smart and likes to be playful. Today, I introduce him as Richie who has autism. I explain that he’s not using many words yet, but he uses different ways to communicate with us. I put my son before his disability and by doing so I upheld his integrity by introducing him by name. He is an equal member of our society and he should be treated no different than anyone else.
Now I know that in some social circles there may be disagreement about addressing someone with person first language. For example, in the autism community, many self-advocates prefer to be called “autistic” than to be addressed as a “person with autism.” Just as we have the right to consciously decide to use Person First language, these individuals have a right to request to be called whatever they wish. If I’m told that a person prefers to be addressed in a different way, then of course, I adhere to their request.
Now I know that in some social circles there may be disagreement about addressing someone with person first language. For example, in the autism community, many self-advocates prefer to be called “autistic” than to be addressed as a “person with autism.” Just as we have the right to consciously decide to use Person First language, these individuals have a right to request to be called whatever they wish. If I’m told that a person prefers to be addressed in a different way, then of course, I adhere to their request.
Do’s and Don’ts at a Glance:
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Please don't:
Identify a person by their disability.
Stare at or ignore someone with a disability. Speak in a child-voice to or yell at individuals with disabilities. Speak directly to the interpreter or caregiver. Hang your jacket/purse on or lean on a person’s wheelchair. Assume someone wants help, ask if it’s okay first. Arbitrarily touch a person’s service dog. Interrupt or finish a person’s sentence because you detect speech challenges. Be nervous and overthink your behavior. |
Please do:
Use Person-first language
Smile, say hello, and if possible make a friend. Speak politely as you would with anyone else. Make eye-contact with and address the individual with a disability in conversations. Try to make yourself at eye level with a person who uses a wheelchair (sit down on a chair). Wait for the person’s acceptance of your assistance. Admire and compliment the service dog and ask if it’s okay to pet them. Be patient and try to listen carefully to what to they’re saying. Relax and be yourself! |
Disability etiquette is all about making individuals with disabilities feel comfortable to participate in their community as equal members of society. This is important for creating inclusive communities where everyone can feel welcomed for who they are.
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