We are all treading through uncharted territory right now as we are dealing with having to take caution against a fast spreading illness, decreased hours or losing our pay entirely, helping our kids with online learning - while balancing our already stressful lives before COVID 19 and all that followed. Add to this the struggles that come with challenging behavior exhibited by our children and teens with special needs and we’ve got a well-stirred recipe for anxiety and some serious meltdowns.
I have to admit that like many fellow special needs parents, I am tired. Working part-time from home, balancing writing, household responsibilities and relationship bonding with all family members in our home was difficult enough to juggle pre-Covid19 crisis. Now, I’ve added more hours of one-on-one teaching sessions with my 18 year-old-son Richie (who - as many of you already - know has autism) into the mix and now my attention is in higher demand than ever before. There is also tele-therapy sessions with several different therapists and other online meetings I must attend. It is different times indeed. And while I am starting this post with a little whining, I really am grateful for the services we can continue to receive to help support Richie and his retention of what he’s learned.
However, there are different challenges for special needs parents and distance learning. Many of our kids are not operating on auto pilot when told to begin the online courses assigned to them on their school’s e-program. Many special needs parents must play the absolute role of the therapists and teachers for our children. Whether we are modeling the work with the assistance and guidance from our children’s educators or following the written content on how to present and teach the lesson to our child, we are not walking away while they do the work. We help support their learning with hands on instruction.
When it comes to dealing with challenging behavior, this also presents additional struggles for us to contend with. We have all had to improvise our daily routines, change rules around and figure out how to make sure our kids are comfortable, learning, and anxiety free amidst these unique times.
I have to confess that I have not yet mastered this completely and that's not really the goal. My goal is to teach Richie how to deal with his frustration and anxiety. Richie still gets mad and when he does, he slaps himself on the leg, stomach, face or head. He has recently brought back banging on the walls for dealing with his frustration (this was a behavior from the past). He may also decide to tap me or threaten to hit me when he’s in close proximity. Most times, I handle it exactly as our behavior team has instructed: ignore junk behavior and promote communication. But there are times when I don’t. I lose my patience. I might yell at Richie out of frustration, or push him away from me to avoid getting hit.
In the world of behavior, these are on the list of things headlined under “Do Not Do This!” They provide Richie the attention he wanted all along and reinforces the bad behavior. I know this, but I’m human and make many mistakes with my parenting. So, when I make these mistakes, I dust myself off, take a deep breath and remind myself that tomorrow is another day for me to get this right.
In the world of behavior, these are on the list of things headlined under “Do Not Do This!” They provide Richie the attention he wanted all along and reinforces the bad behavior. I know this, but I’m human and make many mistakes with my parenting. So, when I make these mistakes, I dust myself off, take a deep breath and remind myself that tomorrow is another day for me to get this right.
What I’d like to mention is that when I do get it right, things really go well. In addition to having a positive behavior support plan in place, what does it look like to use the following strategies?
1. Review or Develop a Positive Behavior Support Plan
If you have a PBS plan in place, it’s a good idea to review it often for checking on updating the plan for behavioral changes and fidelity. Are you following the plan? If you don’t have one in place, it’s an even better idea to put one in place. I have a positive behavior support plan series that helps keep me in check with what I'm suppose to do. Richie’s behavioral challenges change often. Sometimes he goes back to old behaviors and sometimes he creates new patterns of behavior. We’ve also had to continuously adapt our strategies as well, because what may have worked in the past is no longer effective. I still refer to the plan often as it helps our team to review and update Richie’s behavior changes and strategies.
2. Narrate Situations and Expectations
It is a known fact that kids with autism or other developmental disabilities experience heightened anxiety. One of the most frustrating things for kids with autism and developmental disabilities who are non-speaking or have limited speech (like Richie) is not knowing what is going on. We often forget to let them know details of our day and let's face it - often we fear the unknown. Imagine what it must be like during times of change or crisis. They experience feelings of confusion, fear and anxiety. I found that narrating to Richie what to expect is so helpful to him and for avoiding potential problem behavior.
I always let Richie know what’s going on throughout the day (well, I try my best to be conscious of this). If people are coming to visit (whether they are planned or unannounced), if there are routine changes, plans for the day, why someone in Richie's presence is upset or happy, or even if I’m unavailable to give him attention for a while because I have to be on a meeting - I am narrating these things to him as often as I can. It’s important for him to know what’s going on so he doesn’t feel anxious. I might say something like, “Richie, I’m going to be working on the computer from 12 pm to 3 pm. In about three hours, I’ll be able to come and talk and play with you,” or "Richie, we're having a discussion that sounds like Kirk and I are upset, but it's because we heard this on the news." And then I'll proceed to let him know what the news reported.
3. Reinforce Good Behavior
Even with well-crafted behavior plans, often we are so focused on correcting, redirecting, and disciplining challenging behavior that we forget to praise our children for when they are behaving, or completing tasks without challenging behavior – especially if our kids get through moments or tasks where they would have ordinarily engaged in bad behavior. For example, there was a time when Richie would slap his face anytime he had to get up to complete a task (recycle, take out the trash, use the bathroom, etc.). When Richie sat down for a long time without self-slapping for a long time, or did a task without self-slapping I would make sure to acknowledge this with reward and praise he enjoys.
If you are about to talk to your child about their bad behavior, start by praising them for something they did do right that day, week or month. When we approach them with a neutral tone, it usually results with a better understanding of what is expected of them. This took practice for me so don’t feel bad if you need to practice this method too!
4. Get Ahead of the Behavior
If you’ve been able to identify a pattern of behavior, or you know what will trigger undesired behavior, it’s good to prepare for it before hand. For example, Richie developed a pattern of behavior that includes slapping his stomach or leg every time he has to use the bathroom or transition from one room to another. When he asks if he can use the bathroom or get water (he got use to asking even though he doesn’t need to), I tell him to go use the bathroom or get water but to please remember to walk with calm hands. This reminds him of what is expected and helps to decrease the probability of his slapping behavior.
5. Promote Appropriate Communication
When ever possible, try to get your child to either say the words they mean to say or use pictures, sign or what ever method works best for your child or teen to convey their message. Richie typically uses one or two word phrases (he also has a few three word phrases) and he will also point or use gestures to communicate with us.
Once I figure out what Richie is trying to communicate, I try to get him to say the word by repeating me. Instead of asking Richie to "look at me," I get his attention by tapping my chin so he can see my lips mouth and pronounce the word(s) he can repeat. This is much more effective than constantly annoying him with "Richie, look at me!"
Once I figure out what Richie is trying to communicate, I try to get him to say the word by repeating me. Instead of asking Richie to "look at me," I get his attention by tapping my chin so he can see my lips mouth and pronounce the word(s) he can repeat. This is much more effective than constantly annoying him with "Richie, look at me!"
When Richie’s point is missed or not getting across to us, he will resort to challenging behavior (self-slapping, hitting the wall, or hitting others). We try hard not to respond to this behavior. I say try because there have been times when I'm stressed or distracted and I instinctively react to his behavior. When I do, the behavior typically increases or gets worse. This gets me back on track with following the steps in our plan. Ignore the behavior – wait a few moments and remind him to use his words or show me what he wants without the junk behavior.
Challenging behavior results from one or more of
four possible reasons:
Access - your child wants an item, to do something or go somewhere.
Attention – your child wants your attention or to be acknowledged.
Sensory – your child is struggling with an emotion, pain, or other sensory issues (need for tactile input, etc.).
Escape/Avoidance – your child wants out of a specific setting, activity, or task, etc.
Attention – your child wants your attention or to be acknowledged.
Sensory – your child is struggling with an emotion, pain, or other sensory issues (need for tactile input, etc.).
Escape/Avoidance – your child wants out of a specific setting, activity, or task, etc.
Understanding why your child or teen is behaving a certain way means you are half way through solving the issue. This helps us to think about strategies that may help to avoid, improve or eliminate behavior.
I wish I could tell you this is an easy process, but it's not. I am still learning every day about how to be the best behavior detective I can be for learning about Richie’s behavior. Then I do my best to follow my plan. I don’t always do it right, but I try hard to follow the plan with fidelity as best as I can.
When Richie’s behavior begins to wear me down, and it has more times than I care to admit, I will take a step away to get myself right again. I’ll leave the room, I’ll walk away to help avoid reacting in a way that will reinforce the bad behavior. What ever you do, go easy on yourself and take one day at a time. If you lose your patience, and you might, take a moment and a deep breath. You can still turn it around by changing and calming your attitude, approach and reaction. Remember that you get to reset every day. Think positive and know in your heart that behaviors will improve and things will get better.
Good luck to you friend, and please feel free to share any successful tips mentioned here or not that have worked for you and your family at home.
Good luck to you friend, and please feel free to share any successful tips mentioned here or not that have worked for you and your family at home.
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